Everybody loves candy. Well, pretty much everybody. Repeated surveys over decades have revealed that only Soviet communists, Islamic terrorists, and stodgy boarding school headmasters don’t love it. I mean, even child molesters can’t get enough of the stuff.
However, this kind of easy popularity seems to have led some candy makers, or possibly candy-maker-imposters, to believe that people will buy anything they put out there and call “candy”. And while it may be true that they’re at least half right, based on the longevity of some of the items in this list, I for one am here to take a stand against fake, gross, mystifying candies offensive to the sensibilities of myself and all right-thinking Americans.
1. Circus Peanuts – This “candy”, I can only assume, is either an industry-award-winning invention by Big Lumber for disposing of surplus sawdust, or an industry-award-winning invention by FedEx for disposing of all the packing peanuts and orange paint they have lying around the warehouse.
Each Circus Peanut seems like what you’d get if a Day-Glo turd was to gain consciousness, turn cannibal, catch a stomach virus, desperately re-eat its regurgitations, then die of dehydration and rot somewhere in a public restroom. Hell, for all I know, this is precisely the manufacturing process of these things, and the reason they’re sold in such small quantities.
2. Three Musketeers – This candy bar is basically a Milky Way after someone sucked the caramelicious essence out of it. What makes matters worse is that a Milky Way itself is already on thin ice in its existence as a Snickers bar with the peanuts picked out.
So in the end, that leaves a Three Musketeers bar as more IOU than tasty candy bar.
3. Those Orange- and Black-Wrappered Candies That Show Up In Your Halloween Bag Without You Ever Seeing Them Go In – To be honest, I don’t even know what these things taste like, but that’s only because I don’t have a death wish. Should I ever develop one, I think I’m more likely to start up a rousing round of Russian Roulette first.
I’ve never sought more information on what they are or where they come from, simply because I’m pretty sure I’d end up framed and executed for some horrendous crime, set up by powers higher than I can imagine, powers that allow this candy to continue being produced after (presumably) decades of (surely) poisoning tens of thousands of our most gullible and/or gluttonous children.*
4. Circus Peanuts – These crimes against nature unquestionably warrant inclusion twice. I mean, come on, seriously… at least the guy passing out the orange and black candies is giving you something, though it may or may not contain fragments of broken glass or date-rape drugs.
That guy’s at least trying to entice you into something, even if you definitely don’t want what he’s selling. Whoever gives out Circus Peanuts at Halloween is making a clear statement that they not only hate you, personally, but they further want to give you something less than no candy at all, something that lacks even the satisfying thud of, say, an apple, when whipped at the side of the house (or head) of someone who just doesn’t get what the holiday’s about.
5. Boston Baked Beans – Nothing says “Sweet, Delicious Treat” like unambiguously labeling a box of candy as the opposite of dessert: a mildly-pleasant-at-best side dish that never looks appetizing and is consistently passed on by children of all ages and cultures.
6. Sugar-Free Candy of Any Kind – This one really doesn’t need an explanation, but for the sake of balance and completeness, I’ll state the obvious: sugar-free candy is like a ride-free carnival, a cheeseless pizza, a pictureless movie, or, worst of all, a sugar-free candy.
What about diabetics, you ask? Well, obviously, they always have periodic insulin overloads to look forward to, in which candy is administered like medicine. Can you imagine a more lucky kid?
In between those special days, they should just be made to understand that the life-restoring feeling they experience from those prescription Reese’s is the exact same feeling the rest of us get every time we eat candy; they should respect the ritual enough to not insult decency by going through the motions without the heart and soul of the real deal.
In fact, that calls to mind a pretty appropriate label for this vile stuff: Zombie Candy.
* Editor’s Note: On second thought, those orange- and black-wrappered candies might just be the government’s humane way of culling our young herd for the betterment of society.