Ancient Mayan calendars suggest that 2012 will signal the end of the world as we know it, while an oft-cited perennial best-seller called “The Bible” suggests that the apocalypse will transpire after seven somewhat vague occurrences. We looked into these signs (otherwise known as the Seven Seals… not the kind with flippers) and were shocked to find that Hollywood has already fulfilled at least four of the prophesied happenings through the release of films within the past five years. Now of course we could be (and likely are) wrong, but if you’ve been putting off that vacation to Hawaii, there’s certainly no time like the present. In support of our claims, we offer these dissections of the blockbuster movies that we fully believe are harbingers of the world’s end… or something like that.
The Smurfs (2011)
One indication of the impending apocalypse is a conquest of our world by beings from another realm. It doesn’t get much more other-worldly than when tiny, blue, obnoxious ’80s cartoon characters invade modern day New York as they do in this purportedly family-oriented film. Although they take on the voices of celebrities and claim to need help saving their dimension from an evil wizard and his cat, it seems abundantly clear that the gnome-like creatures would like nothing more than to hasten the end of all mankind. But why would these seemingly lovable, miniature, shirtless versions of the Blue Man Group be so intent on wanton destruction? We think it could have something to do with the immense sexual frustration inherent in a society with only a single, obnoxiously-voiced female.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)
Among the four horsemen of the apocalypse is Death himself, tasked with wiping out a considerable portion of the Earth’s population. But with death being such a natural, daily occurrence, it becomes apparent that we must look elsewhere for a more abstract fulfillment of this prophecy. How about the symbolic death of a franchise at the hands of its original creators? Such was the case with the latest (and with any luck, last) installment in the Indiana Jones series, a film seemingly conceived with the sole purpose of dashing expectations and destroying any goodwill for its cast, director and writer. We expected as much from the childhood-tainting entity known as George Lucas, but Steven Spielberg? Really? With it’s ham-fisted casting and convoluted sci-fi trappings, watching it is like accidentally ending up at the two hour funeral of someone you thought you knew.
Much like death, war is a constant in our world today, which makes it very hard to tell if any given conflict is an actual indicator of impending doom. However, the galaxy-spanning battle played out in the Michael Bay-directed character study Transformers seems monumental enough to be indicative of something much larger. An alien race of machines bringing their war to Earth is certainly something that has never graced the silver screen before—at least not in such crisp, special effects-laden detail. In the film, the humans’ only saving grace is the divine intervention of some good-hearted, mechanical extra-terrestrials who manage to stave off evil’s advance until the next couple of sequels. Could it be that the survival of our planet is truly at the whim of Hollywood’s ability to fund movies about giant robots? It’d certainly be a brilliant way to boost ticket sales for future installments…
Paul Blart: Mall Cop (2009)
Widespread famine is another commonly agreed upon sign of the coming of the end. While our nation’s food supply still appears to be intact, an intense hunger for the comedic stylings of Kevin James seems like the only explanation for the immense commercial success of Paul Blart: Mall Cop. As a modern day messiah, James is able to spread much-need laughter to humor-starved people all around the world using his patented broad comedy approach that deftly blends flatulence and fat jokes. Shortly after the DVD release of Paul Blart, famine threatened to strike again as audiences continued to hunger for James’ pratfalls and bumbling demeanor. Luckily, the 2011 release of Zookeeper seems to have staved off the world’s eventual demise… at least for the time-being.